Off Topic

In 2006 I made the hardest decision of my life, to burn a bridge that has been built and torn apart since I was born. It was a very trying and difficult thing to do; I wasted many tears for the first year. However, every day was new, the hurt slowly went away, and the acceptance started to grow. It was the best decision for both of us, and I’m sure that he can look back and say the same thing as well.

I will always remember the fond memories of Calvin, and if it weren’t for him I definitely wouldn’t be the person that I am today. So in a way, I do owe him a thank you.

2006 was also the year that I met James Ricci. I was currently in a relationship with Jesse Waltman that was just not working out to anyone’s advantage. I ended my relationship with Jesse in early 2007 to be with James. Most of my family did not approve with my decision. Actually, let me rephrase that: My Jewish family did not like the fact that I broke up with an older Jewish accountant to be with a younger non-jewish musician. I actually remember my Uncle saying the only reason I was dating James was because he had a car. I laughed. My aunt also harped in and said “whose going to take care of you?” when I replied “Myself” she had a laugh to herself.

What most people don’t know about me is that at a young age of fifteen I was told to get a job to support myself. Another thing that I am thankful for, but of course at the time despised. While everyone else went to camp I was at the local Laura Secord serving ice cream. I held many jobs from the age of fifteen to nineteen to get by. Although I had a roof over my head from Calvin I was still the outsider of the family, I had to buy my own groceries and make my own food while they had their family dinners without me. I stuck by my friend Ilan Weintraub throughout this and had eventually started eating family dinners at his parents’ house. I’m sure they knew something was wrong, but they never asked. And I was very thankful for that. I’m going away from topic, but since I was 15 I have been taking care of myself.

From 2006-2008 I fought for an inheritance that was taken away from me without my approval, and won. After this my aunt and uncle decided that they wanted to know what I would be spending this money on, and demanded I give them my banking information. I said No. They then accused James of wanting to take all of my money. I was mortified that they made this accusation, but more embarrassed that they said it in front of his parents. I was very persistent and said No every time they kept on asking for that information. Eventually they got angry and decided that name-calling and ignoring me completely would be the best solution for them. I was leaving for Australia the next day and was completely depressed from all of this.

I kept on thinking about how I was abandoned by Calvin and now by them.

James kept on reassuring me and telling me that everything would be OK. He was a great support system and I loved him all the more for standing by my side.

In 2011, James decided that he couldn’t be in a relationship with me anymore. It hurt so badly. I didn’t want to loose him. This would mark the third time that he wanted to end everything. Knowing this, I just couldn’t put any more effort into anything. I agreed, and we cried. Although he brought it up I think it was a mutual understanding after talking it through. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard. I was loosing my life partner and my best friend. I threw myself into my work and school got recognized and promoted from both. I was doing well, but was thoroughly depressed. James stopped talking to me entirely after about a month of not being with me anymore. I was crushed. I didn’t understand why he wanted me out of his life entirely, and I guess I’ll never know.

Depression sank in even more and I kept on thinking about how he knew that family members abandoned me. Why would he be doing the same thing? I didn’t know what to do. Then I started to think that something was wrong with me, why would all of these people not want to be a part of my life anymore?

Again, wasted tears over something that I couldn’t control. And the days got better, and the acceptance grew.

After four years of having my inheritance I still have some saved away. I managed to pay off most of my debts with it and purchased a car as well. I am not the best with money, but I do understand how things work. I know that I spent my money wisely and I have justified every time I needed to take something out.

I don’t understand why this wasn’t enough for my aunt and uncle, but to each their own I suppose.

As for James, I do wish that he would start talking to me again. I’ve decided to stop my efforts and just wait for him to make the first move, if he ever does. He was a huge part of my life, and in some ways I think I always will love him. I do know now that we weren’t the right fit for each other, and I really hope that he does find happiness in someone else. Whether or not he wants to be apart of my life as a friend will be entirely open to him, and my door will always be open.

My life really started to come together around my birthday in 2011. I just turned 25, and I started to accept everything that had happened to me in the past six years. I really became a whole other person; a more accepting person, and more patient person. Wise to my years I suppose.

Sometimes the wish of things being different would cross my mind. I then laugh. I cannot imagine my life being different right now. I am too happy. I have two great jobs, my health, and an amazing boyfriend.

 

Yes, I am happy. Took me a long time to get here, but I am.

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One response

  1. Wow. I had no idea all of this was going on in your life since then. I’ve always thought it, but don`t think i`ve ever said it; you’re brave and strong and i`m happy that things are going well for you now after so long. It’s been years since i’ve been around you, but you left such a strong imprint on me. May you have continued happiness and success 🙂

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